Whatever this blog is or isn’t, the one thing I promised myself was that it would be real and authentic.
I haven’t posted much the last week because whenever I try to sit down to write some silly story or document life with rose-colored glasses, it just feels like a big, fat lie. While it’s true that I try to focus on the positive aspects of life and look for the good in every situation, sometimes life just isn’t rainbow and butterflies. And trying to pretend that everything is just hunky dory is really just colossally bogus even for me, the queen of denial.
The truth is that I’m a mess. It feels like the past and the future are all converging on me in the present and I am completely overwhelmed. Everywhere I turn, I am confronted with painful memories from the past. Ghosts in the closet that I thought I had dealt with long ago making it difficult for me to even imagine the future. Sorrow, doubt, and fear are my constant companions.
All of this bullshit is not just because my kid is going to leave for college. It’s part of it, it’s the trigger I guess. And not to be outdone are my ever fluctuating hormonal levels. My friend N has an expression – she says that this is the time of a woman’s life “when her chickens come home to roost.”
So I guess that’s where I am. Just trying to sort it all out.